Same Pattern, Different Day

The morning started fine. We were getting ready for church together and I was ready before him, which is typical. As soon as he got dressed, everything shifted. He started going on about how much weight he’s lost and somehow made that my fault again. I told him I am not responsible for his eating. I don’t put him in a highchair and feed him like a child. He is a grown man with money and a vehicle and can eat whatever he wants whenever he wants. He didn’t like that and it got ugly fast.

He ranted for about thirty minutes. Said I don’t cook, don’t clean, don’t do anything. I told him I had just spent all day Saturday cleaning. He said it didn’t look like it. I explained when a house is consistently clean, you don’t notice the work like dusting, bathrooms, mirrors, vacuuming, laundry. I pointed out that I had even put away all my daily items because he complains about them being on the counter. He said the shower was filthy. That set me off. I told him to show me one ounce of filth because I had scrubbed it. The only thing he could point to was the soap dish, which had a body wash bottle sitting in it. That was his example of filthy. It was clear we were not operating on the same reality.

Then he switched topics again, back to food. Said there were no groceries. That part is partially true, but I had been cooking several nights a week and the other nights we either went out or had leftovers. Before that, he complained I made the same things. I had asked him multiple times to give me ideas and I would make them. I told him I was sick of planning, shopping, cooking, and cleaning just to eat alone while he came in hours later and left his dishes for me. I asked why he can’t put his dishes in the dishwasher, why he can’t be present while I cook and help with the dogs, why he can’t cook once in a while. I told him I feel like his mother, doing everything from laundry to cleaning to picking up after the dogs. He said that was my job. I asked what his job was. He said he works. I told him I work too. Just because I work from home doesn’t make it easier. If I order groceries, I’m lazy. If I go get them, I’m gone too long and must be cheating.

We got in the car to go to church and it continued. He doubled down, listing more things I supposedly don’t do and telling me I don’t know how to be in a relationship. I told him he twists everything to fit his narrative. This went on for another twenty minutes.

When we got to church, he asked me to carry his bible. I said no and walked inside. He followed shortly after and immediately switched into his nice persona since he volunteers there.

Inside, I grabbed coffee and when I turned around, he was suddenly soft. He squeezed my elbow in a flirty way. It made me sick how quickly he could flip after everything he just said. During service, I kept to myself, focused on the music and message. When he came to sit next to me, I kept my body turned away. At one point, I was rubbing my hands because they hurt from working and cleaning. He reached over, took my hand, and started massaging it, then held it. He never does that. Maybe a handful of times in five years. I couldn’t pull away without making a scene, but it felt fake after everything that had just happened.

After church, he fixed my hair and jacket collar and took my cups like nothing happened. I wanted to scream. I am not resetting like that. I am not just absorbing everything he said and pretending we’re fine.

We went to brunch with friends like we do every Sunday. In the car I told him we were going to the store together because I’m not guessing at what he wants anymore. He agreed. At brunch, he tried to order me a large drink after I asked for a small. I corrected it. We shared a plate. I wasn’t hungry and he barely ate. I told him quietly that if he doesn’t want to lose more weight, he needs to eat what’s in front of him. He barely touched it.

When we left, I walked to the car and waited while he stayed back talking. A friend joked about our engagement and I laughed it off. When we got in the car, he immediately questioned me about laughing with him. I explained exactly what was said. Then he brought up something from three years ago about a friend slapping my butt. I reminded him of the full context, including the fact that everyone was drunk and I had to drive us home while he got sick. He denied it completely. Said it never happened. That was another moment where reality just didn’t line up. I dropped it and told him he has selective memory.

We went to the store and he filled the cart with what he wanted. I asked him directly what he wanted me to make that was different. He still had no answer. We bought the groceries and went home.

As the day went on, I started to feel physically drained. These outbursts take a toll on me. We sat on the couch and watched movies. He was present for once, not on his phone. Later, when it was time for bed, he wanted intimacy. I told him I don’t recover from mornings and days like this that quickly. I needed time. He said I should just do it for him because he needs the release. I said no, turned over, and went to sleep.

If you’re reading this and thinking “this doesn’t look that bad,” look at how it felt. That’s the pattern.

Patterns Present

☐ Moving the Goalpost (expectations change no matter what you do)
☐ Reality Distortion (denying or rewriting past events)
☐ Intermittent Kindness (sudden shift to warmth after conflict)